parental update.

So my mother left this morning. There has been such unnecessary drama around here this past week, it isn’t even funny. My mother really didn’t do much to help at all, though I know she meant well. She didn’t make a single meal, though she talked about doing so a lot. Granted, two of my very thoughtful friends dropped off food, but that was oh, right when we came home a week ago. A few nights Hubby even made dinner. He also made my breakfast and lunch pretty much every day as well. My mother kept talking about making cakes for guests.  Well, she made one the first day and didn’t even offer it to anyone who came over and that day we had a lot of visitors. And instead of visiting with people, she just hid out in the kitchen. She also never checked in on me to see how I was doing. She would only ask Hubby, like he was the middle man or something. He finally got to the point of telling her to go ask me herself, though she rarely did. She never once offered to watch the baby so I could shower or take a nap. And the whole time she was here, there was just this looming presence of negativity, which really started to make things pretty uncomfortable in our mini 900 square foot house.  Hubby and I even got into a few small arguments, which I’m sure she overheard.

The most difficult part was that my father had a job to do in the City, about 45 miles away, so my mother was staying with us while he was working (he was staying in the City). Well, he was supposed to be done with his job on Tuesday. Then Tuesday turned into Wednesday. Then Wednesday turned into Thursday. And my mother is a pretty bad driver and she wouldn’t drive into the City by herself ~ which on one hand is a good thing for the other drivers and for her own safety ~  so she was basically stuck at our house. At any rate, I know she sensed our discomfort because she decided first thing this morning to leave. I overheard her on the phone with my father and she said she would meet him at the train station at 4 pm. Since she won’t drive into the City, my father will be taking the train from the City to a town about 20 miles away from where we live and she will pick him up there.  So basically, she left 9 hours before she had to meet him. And have I mentioned that they live in Los Angeles?  Um, yeah.  That’s a pretty big city.  Bigger than the City my father was working in.

But, as she left, she stopped by the bedroom to say good bye.  She didn’t want to hold the baby, nor did she want me to get up and give her a hug ~ she’s not a touchy feely person and didn’t hug me the whole time she stayed with us ~ and said to me “I know I was more of a hindrance than a help so I’m leaving.”  Though it was true, it made me feel awful, just like she intended.  I hate that.  I hate that so much.  Is it wrong that all I want is a parent who knows how to show love and affection?  Hubby says I just need to let it go, that she has always made me feel that way no matter what I do.  And for the past 10 years that he has known me, I am always hoping things will be better with my parents and they never are.  I know he’s right about letting it go.  It’s just so hard to do.  I want to be loved by a parent so much.  I just want love, affection and approval and it kills me that I don’t get it.  I guess I’m asking for too much from them.  They will never change, no matter what I do.

And because Gypsy asked, Hubby’s folks have been on the opposite end of the spectrum.  They are still awfully selfish and self centered.  Most recently they decided that it was a good idea to replace all the window in their house starting on my due date.  We think they did this so they would have a good excuse not to help out when we asked them for something because there were workers at their house, or their house was a mess or something with their house.  We also think they scheduled the replacement at this time so they couldn’t offer my mother a place to stay.  But, they are excited to have a granddaughter, and do offer to do things for us, however, if we need something, it has to be something that works into their schedule, not ours.  When we asked them to bring a pizza to the hospital one day, they said it wouldn’t work out for them because my MIL had a pedicure appointment she didn’t want to miss.  They offered to go to the grocery store for us on the day we were leaving the hospital so we would have some food, but they didn’t go until we were home for almost 4 hours, so we really could have gone ourselves, well, at least Hubby could have.  And all my MIL wants to do is hold the baby, regardless if she is sleeping, if I am nursing or if she is clearly fussing and not wanting to be held.  It wears on me, but at least she’s interested.  Today we stopped by their work and she wanted to take the baby throughout the business ~ there are over 40 employees ~ and was clearly flustered when Hubby and I told her no.  We have taken the baby out a little, but are not comfortable letting pure strangers (to us) hold or touch the baby.  And we’re really not up for that much social interaction yet either and neither is the baby.

That all being said, my friends and Hubby’s friends have been the rock stars so far.  They have brought us food, sent flowers, called us and asked what they can do to help.  And when they do visit, they call first and know not to overstay their welcome.  They understand we are exhausted and offer to run errands and go to the store for us.  They tell us we can call them whenever we need something and they mean it.  They offer to help in any way they can and are genuine about it.

some photos, some crankiness, some cuteness.

nap time!

I am so friggen tired of people. Seriously. Why do people have to ask such dumb questions all the time? sigh. Yes, I am excited the baby is here. Yes, it was a long labor. Yes, things started out rough, but we are past that and are both doing well. I’m sorry if I haven’t returned your call or your email, I’m a bit exhausted these days. No, you cannot hold the baby, I don’t like you. Okay, so I haven’t said that, but I know the time when come when I want to say that. Yes, I am breastfeeding. But I don’t think it’s wrong to use formula, either. Yes, I look thinner. That’s what happens after you have a baby. Yes, I still hurt. I had major abdominal surgery. It takes time to heal. No, I don’t want any visitors today. I don’t care that you think her name is masculine, we like it, you don’t have to. Yes, I am exhausted. Did you miss the part where I just had a baby? Yes, nights are a bit rough. Every night is a different challenge but we’re getting by. No, I don’t wish I was still pregnant. I did not like being pregnant. Now please jut go away.

My mother, while she means very well, has been little help. She gets into these meek and timid poor me moods and it’s driving me nuts. And she doesn’t talk, she whispers everything because of the baby. That would be fine if the baby was sleeping, but she whispers everything all the time so you constantly have to ask her to repeat herself three or four times. All she can say is “oh, this time is just so precious, you have to enjoy it”. Um, really? Thanks. Then she scurries away to the kitchen where she does God knows what for hours on end. She has organized my kitchen cabinets and cleaned the washer and dryer so they look like new. She has ironed our sheets, though we told her she didn’t need to. Then she sits in the living room and reads. She has only held the baby twice and kept saying ” oh, this time is just so precious, you have to enjoy it” over and over. She’ll then get something in her mind, like how I need to eat the pear she just sliced up for me, and will follow me around the house, muttering to herself until I eat it. Just now she asked if it was okay for her to wash her hair in the kitchen sink because she is convinced our shower won’t heat up. Seriously? I told her since our house is so old, you have to wait longer than normal for the water to heat up. She wouldn’t believe me. So she friggen washed her hair in the kitchen sink. And now she won’t use our coffee maker because she “only wants a little” so she made a filter out of a paper towel, put coffee grounds in it and used hot water she heated up in a kettle, all of which took way longer than if she would have used the coffee maker. But whatever. She feels more like a random distant relative than a mother here to help, which is frustrating in and of itself.  And did I mention that she has this annoying habit of sucking her teeth excessively?  She has done this ever since I can remember and it drives me freaking nuts.  sigh.

Hubby has been much more helpful, though he’s gotten very tired of being home. He runs errands to get out of the house and this morning he bleached the ceiling in the bathroom. He’s been going running again too. I know it’s good for him to get out of the house. We’ve taken a few mini trips out with the baby but I still tire so easily. And just a little bit of walking kills my back. And while he knows I had major surgery, he is still going a mile a minute so I have to constantly remind him I’m not up for the same challenge that he is. I know he’s trying to be helpful in getting me out of the house and walking around, and I do appreciate that, but I don’t think he can fully comprehend what I went through and why I am so exhausted all the time. Plus, the baby eats all the time, so that wears on me as well, as does all the interrupted sleep.

so tiny, so little, not that big!

Thankfully, though, I’m hardly taking any meds for pain these days. I’m down to about twice a day instead of every few hours. I do cry much easier as well, which is something I’m getting used to. I don’t cry for long and I never really know what I’m crying about, either. I think I’m just mentally overwhelmed. I keep future tripping, which is no good for me to do. I don’t want hubby to go back to work, but I want my mom to leave. I think she leaves tomorrow, or maybe Thursday. Hubby goes back to work next Wednesday, so at least I have another week with him at home.

The kitties have been very curious about the baby but have stayed away from her for the most part. We don’t let them in the bedroom at night right now but they come and go as they please throughout the day. They like to sit on the bed and investigate the baby, though they never come too close to her.

She’s actually a pretty good little girl. She has a good set of lungs, though she doesn’t use them all that often. She gets fussy somewhere in the middle of the night, then is up for a few hours, just fussing around. Luckily, hubby can sleep through most of it. He will get up if I need him, though, which is great. He’s gotten good at changing diapers, too, which has helped out a lot. He really likes being a dad, which is great. I need to start pumping so he can help out with the feedings. I want him to be able to bond with the baby like I do.

I think my feet are back to how they used to be before I was pregnant ~ it’s amazing how slim they look ~ and the rest of me is catching up as well. I might even have a belly button again one of these days! And today I was able to jam my engagement ring back on. It did get stuck just below the knuckle, but I managed ~ with the help of some liquid soap ~ to get it all the way on. I hadn’t been able to wear the ring for several months due to all my swelling, so it’s nice to have it back on. I always kept my wedding band on, but it’s nice to have the set together once again.

bright eyes

she’s here!!

Even though I am utterly exhausted, I wanted to share my little bundle of joy. My sweet little miss was born at 7 AM on Sunday, August 17.  She weighed in at 7 lbs 8 oz and measured in at 18 inches.   After 17 hours of hard labor ~ my contractions were about 5-6 minutes in length and were literally off the chart ~ I was taken for an emergency C-Section. It was organized chaos, but everything happened so fast. My little on was in distress, but no real reason as to why. There was thought that my placenta separated from my uterus, but no one knows for sure. Just after she was born, she stopped breathing for 8 minutes, so was sent to the NICU for observation. She was a little trooper and by the time I saw her 3 hours later, she was breathing on her own with out tubes. She was put on an IV for the first 2 days since she couldn’t feed as her body shut down when she stopped breathing. I started pumping on day 2 as I was too beat to do anything the first day. She was detached from her IV on day 3 and has been great ever since. I started breast feeding on day 2 and she feeds like a champ. We have already started calling her mini lamprey because she makes a funny little face, opens her mouth real wide and latches on to my breast and just sucks away. I’m so glad she is a healthy little eater as that is one less thing to worry about. All in all I was in the hospital from 1 PM on Saturday to 1 PM on Thursday. There is so much more to write, but I’m beat so I’ll write again in a few days. Here are a few photos to get you started…

Day One:

Day Five:

rockin’ hubby’s jeans.

Yesterday I didn’t feel like wearing my standard uniform of pull up maternity pants, so I decided to try Hubby’s jeans on for size, and low and behold, they fit! Well, sort of. I couldn’t really button them past the first button because my belly is too big, but luckily I have a belly band that helped me keep them up and no one was the wiser. It was so great to be able to wear jeans again, and designer jeans at that! (A few years ago I bought hubby a pair of Seven’s and he’s been buying them ever since). I met up with a girlfriend for breakfast and she had to help me roll the bottoms up because I couldn’t reach. haha. I’ve never been able to wear a boyfriend’s jeans before so I was pretty excited that I could fit into Hubby’s. Good thing boyfriend jeans are coming back into style because I know I will be rocking my new look every chance I get. And good thing Hubby has several pairs of Seven’s, too!

i'm stylin!

those darn cats!

So it was a bit quiet in the house earlier today and I was wondering where the kitties were and when I went into the nursery, this is what I saw:

the kitties who think they are babies

You see, the other day I purchased this co-sleeper (the beige mini crib that the kitties are in)  that will go alongside our bed until our little one will be okay to sleep in the crib in the nursery on her own.  On the floor is a white mesh covering that had been placed on top of the crib and the co-sleeper to keep the kitties out.  Evidently, the mesh covering didn’t work as well as I had hoped.  They had been fine not sneaking into the crib ~ we’ve had the crib for over a month now and we’ve never caught them in there ~ but they seem to like the co-sleeper a whole lot more.

I have since thrown the linens and blankets back into the wash and have covered the sleeper and crib again, but this time I have added some tin foil and a few other items that will make it too difficult for the kitties to lay down.

But I wasn’t mad at them.  In fact, they gave me the biggest giggle I’ve had in a while.

ooh. i’m cranky.

and for no real good reason, either.  I had a wonderful time with my girlfriend Lisa this afternoon.  She came over around noon and we chatted and caught up then headed out to lunch and at a local burger joint, because, well, the baby wanted a milkshake…and a cheeseburger…and fries…and onion rings!  After our tasty lunch we headed into town to check out an Italian bakery, but sadly, they were closed today.  So Lisa, being the absolute doll that she is, took me to the grocery store and helped me with my shopping!  She was just the sweetest thing, helping me with the groceries.  Ever since I fell off that step ladder a few months ago, I have been able to ask for help and accept it, which has been something hard for me since I insist on doing everything myself.  But thankfully, I have seen the error of my ways and take the help that is offered.  I am so blessed for having such wonderful girlfriends who help me out.

It was really hot today and it still hasn’t cooled down and it’s already after 9 pm.  My crankiness started late this afternoon, probably because I couldn’t cool down and couldn’t get comfortable.  And I want this baby out!  And in the past few days, my hands have been cramping up and it’s getting rather annoying.  It’s especially bad after I have napped or slept for the night.  My fingers and joints literally cramp.  It’s the weirdest thing and it hurts.  It feels like I have been gripping something really tightly, but I have not.

But, the kitties have been extra loving, which is nice.  It’s like the know something is going on.  I had to take Atticus to the vet the other day because he had a skin rash on his tummy.  The vet said it was most likely a nervous disorder, that he was anxious about something.  He had to give Atty a shot of cortisone and he’s been better since.  But he has lost some weight and that makes me nervous.  He’s been eating and loving, so that’s good.  I think he’s nervous that something is going on at home and he’s just not so sure what it is.  I love my little sensitive kitty.  I know the baby will be a big adjustment for him when she comes.  I think Sawyer will be just fine and I hope that will help Atty see that everything will be okay.  I try to be extra loving towards them, to reassure them.  I know the baby will have to come before the kitties, but I am hoping we can all get along together.  I have several friends who have pets and they haven’t had any problems when they have a new baby, so hopefully things will go smoothly here as well.

I have now discovered a new favorite author:  Philippa Gregory.  She wrote the Other Boleyn Girl, which was the selection for my book club this month and it was fantastic.  I read the whole book in just 4 days and it was over 600 pages.  I loved it.  Subsequently, I have read the Boleyn Inheritance and am now on to the Constant Princess.  I love historical fiction and these books are just awesome.  I loose hours at a time when I’m reading these books.  I am immediately in England, in courts.  It’s amazing.  I have read other books from the same time period and loved them as well, especially the Courtesan, the Dark Queen and the Silver Rose all by Susan Carroll.  I think if I could live in any other time in history, it would be during the Tudor reign in England.  It just intrigues me so.  And the dress!  I love how everyone dressed.  I love the mix of lust and romance.  And the beautiful language everyone used.

Well, I must say, I am definitely feeling less cranky now.  There’s just something soothing about writing that always seems to calm me down.

a bit boring.

I am so ready for this baby to come out! She has dropped so I know she’s on the way, I just wish I knew when she would make her grand appearance. I have felt cramping for a while now, but it’s nothing consistent. I’m way uncomfortable all the time and that’s just annoying more than anything. Sleeping is hard as I can never find a comfortable position for any length of time. I’m at 39 weeks so she could really come at any time now. Mentally, I’m not so sure I’m ready, but physically, I sure am.

I’ve been trying to distract myself but it’s been hard as I get so tired these days. And since I’m not working and don’t have any money coming in, I don’t really have any to spend. I am supposed to be getting disability ~ though I hate saying that as I don’t feel disabled ~ but that hasn’t started yet. I’ve been out of work for two weeks now on leave and not a penny has come my way. I will get disability for the three weeks before I deliver and the six weeks after. I hate not being able to contribute to the household. Though hubby makes a decent salary, it still bothers me.

This weekend was quiet for us, which was nice.  Saturday was the opening of deer season so hubby went on a hunt.  He didn’t get anything but I got to sleep in, so that was nice.  Yesterday we lounged and hung out at his Granny’s pool.  Hubby had to do a project for work so I went to a movie and dinner with his Granny and one of his cousins.  It was really nice to be out of the house and in the cool of the movie theater.  We saw Mama Mia, which was sweet.  I don’t know the last time I went to the movies, so it was a real treat for sure.

Hubby and I had a great talk last night about where we are in life and where we are going.  It was a really good conversation and I’m so glad we had it.  We are on the same page on pretty much everything, which makes everything so much easier to deal with.  As much as I complain that he’s less than compassionate, I do know that he really does have a good heart and is an amazing person.  He will be a great father for sure and I have never been concerned about that.  I also think the more time he spends with his parents, he sees their true colors of selfishness and unhappiness and wants to be nothing like that, which makes me oh so happy.

Today I’m having lunch with my girlfriend, Lisa, who just got back from an extended trip to Italy.  I can’t wait to see her!  She’s been gone since January so she hasn’t seen me pregnant at all!  Well, she’s seen photos, but it’s not the same.  🙂  I’m looking forward to some girl time, too.

Yikes….look at the time.  I better get in the shower.  Will write more later…

weekend recap.

Well, he didn’t totally fail, but I would have definitely liked a little more effort on his part. He did bring home lunch and some flowers and gave me two cards. But the dinner was not so great and we definitely won’t be going back again. I gave him a hard time about taking me to a place we didn’t like because of the gift certificate. I was disappointed but I’m over it. Do I sound like a spoiled brat?

Sunday we just relaxed and hung out at his Granny’s because she has a pool. I floated away all afternoon and it was great. He somewhat redeemed himself by making dinner last night, but then made me a list of things to do today so he’s still on my list. We have a running joke that he is the poster boy for micromanagement monthly.

Hubby is the kind that just can’t sit still and it bothers him that I can just relax. But what he doesn’t realize is that my body is working miracles and he needs to chill out. He loves getting on my case about not doing things and it drives me nuts. But, I can’t fault him completely. The more I hang out with his parents, the more I see where he gets it from. They are hands down the most self centered, selfish people I know. He was raised that way so he doesn’t know any different. I am by no way excusing his behavior, but I do understand. Sort of.

I have several play dates set up with girlfriends over the next two weeks and I’m excited by that. Another one of my girlfriends just came back from a long stay in Italy and I cannot wait to see her, too. Today I rented the other Boleyn girl as a finished the book over the weekend. As usual, the book was WAY better than the movie, especially since so much was left out of the movie. I don’t know the last time I took time out for myself to watch a movie.

Hmm…UPS just delivered two large boxes. Wonder what’s inside!!

he didn’t even get me a card

and the place we’re going for dinner is a place we don’t really like but we’re going there because he has a gift certificate. and he wonders why I’m blue today.

sigh.

maybe i’m just overreacting.

how is already august?!

The countdown is on to my due date as I only have 17 days left.  Monday I will hit 38 weeks, so really, I could deliver at any time now. Holy Cow!!  Here I am at home yesterday:

big baby belly!

Last night I ordered a few things that I didn’t receive from showers like a changing table pad, a diaper genie, a crib mobile, a boppy and a co-sleeper. Today I went to Target and got more sheets as I only have the one set and I know that won’t last long!  I had some extra time, so I checked out some other shops and good lord.  The sales people were so freaking obnoxious, it’s no wonder I enjoy to do the majority of my shopping online!  The gals at Sephora where an absolute mess with their faces so full of make up and their crazy false eyelashes.  I then went to Bath and Body Works to smell some goodness and the gals there were just as bad, though without all the make up.  I understand they need to sell and provide customer service, but they sure made me high tail it out of there with their constant questioning if I was finding everything I needed.

Tomorrow is my 5 year wedding anniversary.  I cannot believe it’s gone by so quickly.  Our first date was in January of ’00, so we’ve been together now for almost 9 years, which is wild.  We dated for just shy of 2 years before we got engaged, then were engaged for a year.  And here we are, 5 years later with a baby on the way.  Where does the time go?  So much has changed.  Then, we were both recently out of college and just starting out.  Now, we are both well established in our respective careers ~ okay, hubby is more established that I am, but still ~ I have had the same type of work, albeit in different industries, for the past 9 years, so I’d say that’s pretty established.  Hubby has since earned his MBA and I’ve gotten sober.  We’ve moved several times and have been in our current location going on 4 years.  I still talk to all of my bridesmaids, except for one, but I expected that before we even had the wedding.  Hubby still talks to all of his groomsmen (we had a rather large wedding party, with 6 on each side) and that makes me feel good, too.

Tomorrow we’re just going to be low key as we don’t have much extra money to spend.  We’re going to a nice dinner and that’s about it.  Hubby bought me a sweet dress yesterday as a total surprise and I can’t wait to wear it.  He had hoped I would fit into it now, but unfortunately, my belly is too big.  But, I should be able to wear it soon enough.  He found it at a vintage store near his work on his lunch break yesterday.  It’s just darling and I promise to post a picture when I can fit into it.  I am so ready to be able to fit into normal clothes again.  I know I won’t loose weight right away, but as soon as the belly is gone and the baby is here, things will be so much better!

Well, Happy Weekend!!