just breathe.

All day I have teetered between happiness and complacency.  I get all giddy about the excitement in the air for the upcoming holidays, then tumble down to the normalcy of the every day.  I have moments of frustration and fleeting thoughts of sadness.  So much has crossed my mind today that I don’t even know where to begin.  I spent much time online last night with a friend discussing all sort of things that it has left my mind reeling.  I guess it really has been a while sine I have gotten up close and personal with someone.  I love learning about friends; what makes them tick and what makes them spin.  It always makes me turn and look in on myself as well.  Sometimes I like what I find, other times I don’t.  I know I am hard on myself and tend to be too sensitive at times.  I get hurt easily, though I try my darndest not to.  But the feelings of hurt are usually fleeting and can vanish in an instant.  Other times they linger.  I don’t like those that linger.  Today there is a mix of both, all deriving from me.  No one has said anything or has done anything.  Everything has been internal.  Those dialogues are sometimes the most difficult.

I posted something on FB earlier about memories.  I love what everyone has written and got quite a few chuckles over all the responses.  I even got a few emails from friends not wanting to post some saucer details.  I know I am loved, I just need to love myself more.  I love posting things like that every once in a while as it helps bring me back to reality and out of my head, which is a strange place to be.  Listening to music also helps me a lot.  I had quite the range going today as well.  From Metallica to Toad the Wet Sprocket, Duran Duran to the Garden State soundtrack.  Music sets me soaring like nothing else.  I can be lost for hours, drifting away, just lost in time and memories.  I am always in a better place after some music.

I’ve also had some interesting conversations as of late that have kept me thinking.  Someone said that we are all a direct reflection of our parents, which I can actually agree with, to a point.  However, this comment was said to me in response to me saying that the only thing my parents are proud of me for is for having Bunny.  It’s something I’m still working on dealing with.  However, I thought that was such an obtuse statement to make.  I am in no way a reflection of my parents.  I am the exact opposite of them and have, in fact, learned how not to be like them.  I guess it could be proved that I am a refection of how not to be, but I know that was not the point this person was trying to make as they are not nearly that bright.  Anyhow, to say that bugged me is an understatement.  Luckily, we were on an instant message program so I logged off.

Someone asked me if I was an only child and was, therefore, spoiled.  Regardless of the fact that I was not spoiled and kept arguing as such, they didn’t believe me.  I try not to let that bother me, but it does.  I really hate the stigma that being an only child brings.  Yes, my father helps me out a lot financially.  So I guess on that account, I am spoiled, but I just don’t see it the way most people intend it.  I guess we all consider being spoiled different.  Spoiled to me is like being Veruca Salt.  She is the epitome of spoiled.  I just want to be loved and taken care of.  I guess spoiled has always been a negative thing to me.  Like, those gals on The Real Housewifes shows, and I am really nothing like that.

soo cozy!

All I want for Christmas is a new pair of pajamas.

Like these or these.

Ooh.  These are purty, too.

OOOOH!  And how about these for me and Bunny!

These are sweet, too.

But enough about me.  for now.  What do you want for Christmas?

all things girlie.

I have a love for all things glamorous, girlie and whimsical.  It wasn’t until more recent years that I became interested in being, well, a girl.  Don’t get me wrong, I always knew I was a girl.  I’ve most definitely never thought otherwise.  I just grew up very slowly and very clueless when it came to knowing how to actually act like one.  Now, I can’t get enough of it!  Here, in no particular order,  is just a small list of things I simply adore:

kate spade

anthropologie

chanel

Bumble and bumble

tory burch

things that come in little blue boxes

sexy jeans

days at the spa

getting a mani/pedi

getting my hair done

lunching with the girls

pretty headbands

shoes.  all kinds of shoes.

knee socks

lady coats

make up

anything cashmere

really?

so yeah.  i just had to drop my keys into the trash can, right on top of cat poo and litter?  then the atm machine was out of deposit envelopes so i couldn’t even make a deposit that would cover my small overdraft and now i have more things pending that may clear before i can get to the bank tomorrow.  ugh.  i am going to bed in hopes that tomorrow will be better.

 

yup.

What a flipping day.  Bunny woke up at the crack of dawn as usual, but thankfully fell back asleep for a bit.  I, however, did not.  Or maybe I did.  I’m not so sure.  I had some pretty fluid dreams, so I must have, for a few minutes at least.  Hubby was his usual grumpy self this morning, though it was a bit amusing as he has laryngitis right now so everything he was saying to me came out in a hoarse whisper.  It didn’t really lose its effect, though.  But, my increased dose of meds did definitely help me in how I reacted to him.  Bunny was fully of energy and didn’t go down for a nap until late so we didn’t get a start to our day until well after 10.  We had errands to run but since she was in rare feisty form we didn’t get far.  Thankfully my friend was with us and was a rather good distraction for her mini meltdowns.

But then I started having a bit of a meltdown myself.  But first, I must backtrack a bit.  Last week I went to my doctor for my annual exam and during my appointment it was decided that my dose of meds would be increased as my depression had worsened and my weight had dropped due to the added stress in my life.  (Read: stress with Hubby, not with Bunny.)  Anyhow, I never mentioned this to Hubby as he believes that depression is something that is merely made up.  He knows that I take meds but is often asking me if I really need them, though he has seen me off of them and trust me, it’s not a pretty site.  Anyhow, I dropped off my new prescription to the pharmacy on Monday and they had trouble filling it.  I went back today and low and behold, it had not yet been filled. I felt defeated.  I had been noticing such an improvement this past week and I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to keep it up.  Thankfully, the pharmacy called a while later saying it was filled.  Then they told me the bad news.  The increase in cost.  Hubby is going to crap himself.  It is an additional $75 a month for something he doesn’t believe is real.

Also?  I found out I was overdrawn today because of my own lameness.  I lagged on getting a reimbursement check.  Thankfully I have the money to cover it, but I felt dumb nonetheless.  It was just rough all around.  To top it all off, I have a book club meeting tonight and we’ve decided to go out for a Sushi dinner since the book we’re reading has a Japanese theme.  I was so stoked as I have been wanting to go for Sushi forever.  Well, as soon as I realized I was so dumbly overdrawn, I knew I could not go.  All this crap I brought upon myself.  But, then things looked up.  My wonderful friend loaned me money for dinner.  And bought me lunch.  As I was fluttering about, I was reminded that to have a friend is to be a friend and that I surely would do the same for my friend.  So, so true.

So in honor of my friend today, I want to say thank you to a smidgen of  the most wonderful lovelies in my life.

To Harry, who has been such a doll and is quite sexy to boot!  Wot!?  But seriously.  It’s so wonderful to have such a grand friend.  He has seen me pretty low and also very high.  He delights in the simple things but also has a grand spirit, which I adore.  And he is great with Bunny, which is always a plus.

To Pumpkin, who is my steadfast friend.  She is so wise beyond her years and always has a strong shoulder to lean on.  She is such an amazing woman and I am so thrilled she is in my life.  While she moved away for school, I am so glad I get to talk to her online all the time.  And lucky for me, I live where her family does, so she is home often to visit.

To Jacarandabush, who is my oldest childhood friend.  She has been around thru thick and thin.  I laugh the hardest when I am with her.  Sadly, we don’t see each other often as we live on opposite ends of the state, but we always pick up where we left off when we do get together.

To The White Bear, who is never far from my thoughts.  He has been part of my inner strength for a few years now, gently guiding me in the way I need to go.  Even when I don’t talk to him for months, I know he is there, silently cheering me on and making sure I am able to find my little dog, Will.  Will. To. Live.

the reasons why.

A friend asked me today about reasons why I take the meds that I do.  Well, to put it simply, it’s to keep me sane.  I never thought myself as one who was nuts, but I do know that I have a few too many things going on inside my head at any given time and the meds help me regulate things a bit.  Ever since I was a young child I have felt a bit different.  I didn’t quite fit in and I was always just a bit off.  Most of the time I just wanted people to like me and to be accepted by those around me.  But I never knew how to go about doing that and often felt very sad and very alone.  Looking back on my childhood makes me sad at what a lost little soul I was.

Having much older parents didn’t help much, either.  My mother was 40 and my father was 38 when they adopted me.  I guess by today’s standards that isn’t that old, but for their generation it sure was.  And being an only child made things that much more strange.  Anyhow, I was raised to keep my emotions in check and mostly be seen and not heard.  I was never good enough or smart enough.  I just felt lost and alone.  I had no one to confide in or no one to look up to.  My parents were just out of touch and I didn’t know how to reach out, either.  They weren’t warm and tender.  Both of them had rough lives growing up, though I didn’t learn that until much later in life, but they were always so distant to me.

I never had a best friend, and still don’t to this day.  But I always had friends.  I made friends very easily, though I could see how I tried too hard to be liked.  I was the girl everyone knew and was perpetually on the fringe of the A list.  I always thought of myself hovering somewhere between the A list and the B list; a popularity purgatory of sorts.  I was on the swim team, cheerleading and played in the orchestra.  But I was still a loner.  I was cheery on the outside but miserable on the inside.

Things stayed the same pretty much through college and a bit beyond.  I have always been one step behind everyone else.  I just wanted to be liked so much but never knew how to get there.  Sure, I always had friends and always had dates.  I just never liked myself.  I always felt there was something missing, something lacking, that everyone else had.  I just had no idea what it was.  I’ve always just coasted along never feeling just right in my skin.

There were a lot of odd things about my childhood but it was only recently that I started looking deeper.  Several years ago I finally decided to see a doctor about things and decided to try taking something to help me feel better about me on the inside.  I have also done things to change my life without meds as well.  I have become spiritual, I have stopped drinking and I have come to terms with many things.  Oh, sure, I have a ways to go, but I have come so far.  So, so far.

I have grown on a personal level more in the the past year than all of the previous years put together.  I don’t know how to explain it except to say that I am stronger and wiser than I have ever been.  I owe that to being a mother.  Being Bunny’s mother.  She totally changed my world.  Everything I do is for her.  Well, now wait.  That makes me sound like some nut job for sure now.  What I mean is that my mental health, emotional well being and extracurricular activities are geared to make me a better person so that I can be the best mother that I can be for her.  I must have my ‘me’ time to decompress and  be the me that I want to be.  And the meds help facilitate that.  They help me clear through the cobwebs and the dust in my head and focus on what is real and what is important.

it is time.

So for the record, this time change is ridiculous.  Hubby has decided to wake up at the ungodly hour of 5 am instead of 6:30 am just so he can run before work, thus throwing the house into a literal tale spin each morning because he is the LOUDEST PERSON ON THE PLANET.  sigh.  So every morning since the time change we have all been up since 5 am.  To say that it sucks is merely an understatement.  I have even tried to help things out by setting up BOTH the coffee maker and making his lunch the night before, but he still manages to make a ton of noise.  And it really doesn’t help matters much right now that he has had a stuffy nose for the past week or so.  I swear he is the loudest nose blower of all time, too. Oh well.

I have finally resigned myself to the fact that the holidays are in fact on their way.  And much quicker than I had hoped.  I am nowhere near ready for them to appear.  We won’t be traveling for Thanksgiving and my folks will be visiting family out in the Midwest, so we won’t see them.  But we will heading to Hubby’s family for the day.  Oh joyous day  Callouh Callay.  While most meals at their house are uncomfortable, holiday meals are especially annoying.  Seating charts, pretension,  cold atmospheres and drunk family members.  Well, I guess that’s what holidays are all about, eh?  Thankfully we can use Bunny as an excuse to leave early if we must.

The weather is finally crisp and cool with the scent of fall floating deliciously in the air.  Crisp leaves flutter on the trees, the grapevines are gorgeous shades of red and yellow and the fields are covered in a light mist of green.  It is once again pleasant to be outside.  Long walks in the afternoon, playtime at the park and cups of warm spiced cider are in store.  Baking goodies and homemade treats will make my house smell like a home.  I am glad for this time of year.  I much prefer the cool weather to the heat.  I don’t do well in the heat.  I wither and flutter.  I struggle and fight.  In the coolness of the fall I seem to flourish.  I can finally breathe again.