just breathe.

All day I have teetered between happiness and complacency.  I get all giddy about the excitement in the air for the upcoming holidays, then tumble down to the normalcy of the every day.  I have moments of frustration and fleeting thoughts of sadness.  So much has crossed my mind today that I don’t even know where to begin.  I spent much time online last night with a friend discussing all sort of things that it has left my mind reeling.  I guess it really has been a while sine I have gotten up close and personal with someone.  I love learning about friends; what makes them tick and what makes them spin.  It always makes me turn and look in on myself as well.  Sometimes I like what I find, other times I don’t.  I know I am hard on myself and tend to be too sensitive at times.  I get hurt easily, though I try my darndest not to.  But the feelings of hurt are usually fleeting and can vanish in an instant.  Other times they linger.  I don’t like those that linger.  Today there is a mix of both, all deriving from me.  No one has said anything or has done anything.  Everything has been internal.  Those dialogues are sometimes the most difficult.

I posted something on FB earlier about memories.  I love what everyone has written and got quite a few chuckles over all the responses.  I even got a few emails from friends not wanting to post some saucer details.  I know I am loved, I just need to love myself more.  I love posting things like that every once in a while as it helps bring me back to reality and out of my head, which is a strange place to be.  Listening to music also helps me a lot.  I had quite the range going today as well.  From Metallica to Toad the Wet Sprocket, Duran Duran to the Garden State soundtrack.  Music sets me soaring like nothing else.  I can be lost for hours, drifting away, just lost in time and memories.  I am always in a better place after some music.

I’ve also had some interesting conversations as of late that have kept me thinking.  Someone said that we are all a direct reflection of our parents, which I can actually agree with, to a point.  However, this comment was said to me in response to me saying that the only thing my parents are proud of me for is for having Bunny.  It’s something I’m still working on dealing with.  However, I thought that was such an obtuse statement to make.  I am in no way a reflection of my parents.  I am the exact opposite of them and have, in fact, learned how not to be like them.  I guess it could be proved that I am a refection of how not to be, but I know that was not the point this person was trying to make as they are not nearly that bright.  Anyhow, to say that bugged me is an understatement.  Luckily, we were on an instant message program so I logged off.

Someone asked me if I was an only child and was, therefore, spoiled.  Regardless of the fact that I was not spoiled and kept arguing as such, they didn’t believe me.  I try not to let that bother me, but it does.  I really hate the stigma that being an only child brings.  Yes, my father helps me out a lot financially.  So I guess on that account, I am spoiled, but I just don’t see it the way most people intend it.  I guess we all consider being spoiled different.  Spoiled to me is like being Veruca Salt.  She is the epitome of spoiled.  I just want to be loved and taken care of.  I guess spoiled has always been a negative thing to me.  Like, those gals on The Real Housewifes shows, and I am really nothing like that.


2 responses to this post.

  1. shell, you are amazing. you always have been. spoiled, to me, suggests a sense of expectation… of something that is OWED, you know? You are not like that. Your dad gives you things and help and support because he loves you and because he CAN. It’s awesome and not something you should ever feel ashamed of. you are too good a person to be considered ‘spoiled’.

    also. a ‘reflection’ is the opposite of something. it’s one face flipped around looking back at you. that’s exactly you re: your parents. you are kind and generous and loving. and they… well. you know.

    I heart you.



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