random babbling.

Every day I love the baby more than the day before, though I don’t know how that is possible.  There is just this soft, sweet unconditional love between us that is so pure and innocent.  She depends on me for everything and I am there for her every need.  I have never been angry or resentful towards her.  I have never regretted having her or been upset with her.  Sure, things have been frustrating sometimes, but such is life with a newborn.  But nothing is directed at her.  She is beautiful beyond belief and so precious that words cannot describe.  She has the most darling sighs when she sleeps and the sweetest noises when she stirs.  I cannot imagine my life without her.  I can only hope she loves me as much as I do her.

But that being said, I do have my times of sheer and utter frustration with life.  I panic and freak out and think that I’ve just had enough and want to get away, if just for a few minutes.  Not because of her, but just because I am spent.  Thankfully, it seems as though things with Hubby have started to get better and I have been voicing my needs more and more.  Baby has also hit the three month mark so she is sleeping through the night and is less fussy during the day.  I am able to leave her in her swing and take care of things around the house.  Hubby is being a better Father and I don’t feel as worn out anymore.

I’m also at the point of weeding out friends again.  Well, maybe that’s a bit harsh.  I’m not getting rid of anyone, just perhaps spending less time with some.  And while I understand everyone has their own opinons, I do not feel the need to listen anymore to the negative people out there.  Now another friend has told me I look ‘different’ since I’ve had the baby; that I look so tired and old.  I know I don’t look like a rock star, but I really don’t think I look like crap, either.  I even asked Hubby tonight and he thinks I look great.  And for the record, he will really tell me how things are; he’s not one to sugar coat anything like that, so I trust what he says.  It just bugs me that friends think they need to tell me how crappy I look.  I just had a kid, for god’s sake.  And besides, I never asked for their opinion.  That would be a totally different story if I had.

I also had a friend give me a bad time for taking anti anxiety/depression meds.  She thinks I need to get off them them and be free from everything.  Um, no.  No I do not.  They work wonders for me and I’m a mess without them.  Trust me.  I’m much better when I’m on them.  I’ve lived way too many years off of them and I am not a nice person that way.  I have way too much to deal with in life to be that much of a mess.  I need all the help I can get.  Besides, I do not need someone with absolutely no experience telling me what I should and should not put in my body.  I’m not taking the meds for fun, either.  Believe me, I wouldn’t take them if I didn’t absolutely think I needed them.  It just pisses me off when people get weird about meds like that, thinking that it’s all in my head and that I really should be able to deal with life on life’s terms, whatever that means.  Hell, I don’t drink anymore, I need something to help me keep my mind straight.

I’m also still really frustrated with the situation with my parents.  Yes, I know that I need to let that all go.  But that’s way easier said than done.  I refuse to call and apologize for whatever they think I need to apologize for and am determined to stand my ground.  I will not yield to them anymore.  I actually haven’t for a long time and it’s been good.  It just makes me mad that they act this way.  I know I cannot change them and I will no longer try.  It is their loss that they will not know their Granddaughter or spend the holidays with her because of their stubborness.  They are more than welcome to visit us, but I will not apologize.  Doing so will only perpetuate their games.

It’s times like these that I would really like to borrow one of the wonderful moms from my wonderful girlfriends:  Sally’s mom, Jacakarandabush’s mom, Christine’s mom.  Those three mom’s are amazing (and the dad’s are pretty great, too).  I am just so thankful that I have wonderful moms and dads in my life and such amazing girlfriends, too.  I am most especially thankful for Sally, Jacarandabush, Christine, Wendy, Amber, Lisa, Michelle, Jen, Erika, Jessica, Lauren, and Terry.  While I don’t talk to all of them all of the time, I could not imagine my life without any of them.  Every one of them is special and amazing and I love them all.


4 responses to this post.

  1. Aw! Thanks, girlie! We’ve come a long way, huh? From those crazy nights at the Grad to where we are now? Who would have thought it?

    Isn’t it amazing how much love you can feel for such a little person? I think God knew exactly what He was doing by giving us the babes to start out with. You fall SO in love with them that when they turn into punk-ass teenagers, you remember that baby-love and keep loving them even though they do things to piss you off. =)

    And Mama? you look great! Ignore those other wackos who tell you differently. Actually, ditch them like you said!

  2. I can’t believe your “friends” are telling you that shit. That boggles my mind, girl. {hugs}

  3. Anyone who dares talk to you about your meds should be excised from your life, IMHO. Let her take care of her own health rather than “worrying” about yours.

  4. Maybe those “friends” who are criticizing you, are just covering up their own feelings of inadequacy by attacking you. I have a girlfriend like that. When something is not working for her, she will point out my missteps. UGH!!

    I think you look GREAT! and applaud your continued sobriety. I just wish I could find a med for eliminating procrastination…..HA!!

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