i see your true colors, shining thru*

first off, thank you, kind people, who have made me feel so much better about the nasty email that was sent to me. to say it shook me up is an understatement. at no point did i ever regret saying those things about the hospital, nor do i feel ashamed of my emotions. i feel i have every right to say and feel those things. i have had many horrible experiences at said hospital, so i feel even more justified at being angry. and to be told that my “harsh opinions” should not be shared was absolutely ridiculous. as a good girlfriend pointed out ” well, I would want to know why I shouldn’t go there. I don’t want to go to a hospital that gives crappy service.” my point exactly. so see, i was definitely not just being a pissy angry pregnant chick.

here are just a few examples of what we have recently experienced: when i had my awful accident back in november and was taken to emergency, i was barely looked over, regardless of the fact that i had a giant goose egg forming on my right temple. when i voiced my concern about my ever growing bump and bloodshot eyes, i was given the look of ” oh, please, you patheic girl” and told i would be fine. several days later i was taken to a different hospital near my work due to my arms, legs and face going completly numb. turns out i had suffered a concusion during my accident that the hospital overlooked in their rush to get me out the door.

another time, hubby was suffereing from a severe athsma attack and when he asked for an x-ray to be done of his lungs, ~ he’s very prone to getting phenomonia ~ the doctor flat out refused, saying he was ” just trying to save us money”. we finally got in a pissing contest with him and he relented. turns out hubbys lungs were 3/4 the way full with fluid, and he did, in fact, have phenomonia. nice. we have insurance ~ and good insurance, at that~ and are also willing to pay for things out of pocket when necessary, so it’s not like we are being difficult patients.

i could seriously go on and on. there has not been one time where we have had a good experience at that hospital, nor have many of our friends and family who have also gone there. yes, i know things have now worked out, but my point is i feel completly justifed by my reaction on friday to the inital cancellation call and my reaction to the nasty email on monday. and out of all the people i have told, only two people have been nasty back. coincidently, they are two motherless ladies in aa, both of whom lectured me on my anger, saying that it was bad to harbor such feelings. really? so you should never get angry about anything? last time i checked, anger was a normal emotion….but i digress.

even hubby, who is pretty hard core in aa, thought the email was out of line. he, too, agreed that i didn’t need to justify my emotions or opinions on the issue, and frankly agreed with everything that i had said and done and was actually impressed that i had restrained myself so much when talking to the hospital ~ i ended the converstaion with the bitchy receptionist who had given me attitude the whole time, and actually had the audacity to tell me that i wasn’t the only person who was being rescheduled three weeks out and this was typical by saying ” that’s fucking ridiculous” and hanging up ~ thank the jesus baby on that, because if he didn’t agree, i would have bitch slapped him into next week. um…wot?

anyhow, i’ve been in a bit of a mood this week ~ surprise, surprise. this incident sure put things into perspective for me. it’s interesting what makes people react in the ways they do. i also know that i will never confide in her ever again, as i don’t need harsh judgement and critisism from somone who i thought was supposed to care about my well being. it’s one things to disagree with me in a totally tactful way, but not to cut me down and make me feel like crap. i really value the opinions of my friends ~ not that i ever considered her one, but regardless ~ especially when we disagree on things. but i expect them to give me the same respect that i give to them. and while i don’t always see eye to eye with my friends, i don’t ever ‘bitch slap’ them and give them my ‘better than you’ opinion, even if i am better. totally kidding. i’m not better than anyone. wellll…okay, okay…i’m not.

hubby once commented that the reason i don’t have any adult women who i am close to is because i don’t let them in, that i’m too guarded. well, if they treat me the way this ‘sponsor’ did, i don’t go back for seconds. and i have a lot of wonderful friends my own age, so while it would be nice to have a few ladies who are older as friends, i’m certainly not crying a river over not having any.

and sadly, this whole experience lives an even more bitter taste in my mouth about aa. it is said that once you become sober, you learn how to deal with your emotions and you can feel things that you had been repressing with alcohol for so long. well, it seems very aparant to me, that by feelings, they mean anything that is happy, nothing harsh, sad or upsetting. but really, what is life without the ups and downs? you can’t be happy all the time. sure, you don’t want to be sad, but it’s totally unrealistic to think happiness is the only way to live. of course i always want to be positive and optimistic, but it’s not always realistic. shit happens. and then you deal with it, the best way you know how. so what if it’s to get angry? now, if i was angry all the time and constantly threw temper tantrums, maybe that would be something to look into. but seriously? i don’t know the last time i was so angry that i saw red, and dammit, i was justified. so there.

* cyndi lauper

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3 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Sally on April 3, 2008 at 10:39 am

    I’m glad C agreed with you…since you were SO right. =) How did the appt w/ the new doc go?

  2. Posted by Gypsy on April 4, 2008 at 1:51 am

    You know, I know nothing about sobriety or AA, but it seems to me that bottling emotions is what leads a lot of people to lean on things like alcohol and drugs. Being sober doesn’t mean being serene.

  3. Posted by Terry on April 4, 2008 at 2:57 am

    Absolutely….why have emotions, if you are not suppose to express them!

    Your Sponsor stated that it was ‘bad to harbor such feelings’. and well, she is right! In my opinion “harboring” would be keeping them tied up, not letting them go. So, by expressing and venting them, you are in essence doing exactly the opposite of ‘harboring’….. Did anyone else notice that contradiction?

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