am i really that horrible?

i am so upset right now. i have not cried so much in a very, very, very long time. i just got of the phone with my mother. i had called just to say hello. the first thing she said to me was ” so, i heard you got canned”. um. yep. she then asked what i had done to get fired, and when i said i had no idea, she got on my case for not knowing. when i explained the job situation and how communication was not a top priority, she said it was me who was difficult.

she said i am not a nice person and that i’m too loud, too boisterous and always need to be the center of attention. she also said i always have to be right, no matter how wrong i am. in between saying all of that, she told me i need to go to therapy. she said i need to do nice things for other people when they aren’t expecting it. i totally do that! i send my friends random little gifts, i make them cards, i send them flowers. i do my best to remember their birthdays. i just sent my dad a new velour leisure suit because he’s having cataract surgery…but to that, she responded that he was really upset that i didn’t call him on father’s day. wtf?!

she also said that she suspected that i had a drinking problem. are you fucking kidding me? of course i had a drinking problem, i have since gotten help and have been sober almost 2 years! when i told her that, she said “well, i know that now, but i didn’t know that when you were drinking” well, no shit, sherlock. only the people who were around me at the time knew. and even then, i’m not sure they all knew because most of them were drinking as much as i was.

she also berated me for leaving home so quickly when i was younger, saying that it seemed like i couldn’t get away fast enough. I MOVED AWAY TO COLLEGE WHEN I WAS 19. that is why i left. and even then, i only moved 3 hours away. they only visited me 3 times the whole time i was gone! and i came home a lot too.

she also commented on how i wouldn’t listen to her but instead i would listen to my friends. are you kidding me? that’s what teenagers do. they always listen to their friends over their parents. hell, even now i listen to my friends over anyone else. i think we all do that.

and apparently, i don’t know how to be gracious, either.

excuse me while i curl into the fetal position and hold my cat.


4 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Sally on August 11, 2007 at 12:44 am

    Chica, I don’t know what to say. I cannot fathom why she says those things. Is it an insecurity thing on her part? I just don’t know.

    Enjoy the cuddle time with your cat, but try not to let this impact you too much. There are lots of people who love and care about you!! =)

  2. Posted by A is for Odd on August 11, 2007 at 2:51 am

    You have been super special and kind ever since I first met you tumbling around the gym in our horrid little leotards. I love you and can’t tell you how much your kindness, selflessness, love and compassion has meant to me over the last, what?…23 years. Hang in there, this too will pass…remember, no ducky…nooo duuucckkyyyy.

  3. Posted by Anonymous on August 11, 2007 at 3:25 am

    youre like a moth to flame, mon ami. seriously. how many time have we had this conversation. at some point you have to do one of two things:

    Stop talking to her altogether, and let her know why beforehand. Tell her that she is a poisonous influence on you and that you dont need or want the kind of mothering she brings to the table;


    Keep talking to her and let what she says roll right off your curvacious back. you know she’s gonna poke at your demons every chance she gets for whatever reason (i think its because she’s an emotionally manipulative, repressed Kraut moron but oh well), so fuq it. none of this shit can bother you little one, unless you ALLOW it to.

    Listen to me now and hear me later: YOU are control of and responsible for, your OWN feelings and how you deal with and respond to people like Frau Psycho.

    my advice is for you to pet the elephant, chant the Om, and tell Ma Hitler to talk to the fuqing hand. Let her go six months w/o hearing a word from you and then see how she rolls. this is getting

    sorry to give you both barrels. the thought of you alone and weeping with only atticus to help you breaks my heart.

    but if you dont get your own feelings under control, you will always be at the mercy of people like mom.

  4. Posted by Terry on August 11, 2007 at 10:43 am

    Oh Sweetie, how insensitive of me.. I just read this after we chatted.. You are a doll, for being there for me today and I totally heart you for it!!

    Moms ,what can I say.. Mine recently brought up a topic that is poison to both her and I…. When she asked if we could discuss it, I point blank told her that it was unhealthy to hold on to bullshit…. Rise Above Dear Shell!! I know you can do it!!

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