fucktard

i’m feeling a bit like poo today. yesterday was an absolute nightmare. i was a friggen mess. i don’t know what my problem was, but nothing good came of yesterday. for starters, i broke my computer at home. broke is hardly the word, actually. i destroyed it. i threw it several times and completly demolished it. yesterday i was a fucktard. to the fullest extent of the word. i was a disaster. the computer is not repairable whatsoever. i also have been under a great dizzy spell. i didn’t eat much in the morning, but snacked all afternoon and evening, so it’s not that my stomach is empty. i’m still feeling really off today. really lightheaded. i don’t know what’s wrong with me and it’s driving me crazy. i even went and got a facial yesterday, thinking that might help, but it didn’t. i cried throughout the day, something i never do. i was a mess. i don’t feel like crying today, so far, which is good. but, the day is young. i have no idea what i problem is. maybe all the anger that i have inside is finally surfasing. no, it won’t be good to talk to anyone, no one cares. and it’s bullshit to think otherwise. all c tells me to do is go to (aa) meetings, which is the last place i want to be. that program works for a lot of people, but not for me. i am so sick and tired of hearing people complain about their lives. i don’t care about their sob stories. i’m glad they have stopped drinking and are in a better place now, but i don’t really care. and i know they don’t care about me. i have yet to meet someone who genuinely cares. they want me there so they can feel better about themselves and their sobriety. i know i have a problem with drinking, so i don’t drink anymore. simple as that. and really, not everything in my life comes down to drinking or not drinking. it really doesn’t. i just hate how c’s solution to everything is to go to a meeting. god damn those meetings. i hate them. i don’t relate to anyone there and rarely feel better after going. people are so superficial there. just because they don’t drink anymore, they think they are better than everyone else. whatever. i just hope i don’t fall down and pass out today. i feel like poo.

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