small and alone

it’s interesting the things that people pick up on. i had lunch with a colleague at work today who asked if i’m a happy person. i told him that deep down i’m not, but that i try to do my best to keep a happy face. he said he could tell. i almost cried. i guess it just really touched me that he would notice something like that, or would care to notice, at that.

i’ve tried my whole life to hide the fact that i’m not happy. well, i shouldn’t say it like that. i am a happy person, i just live in my head too much, so that makes me sad. i have had the random things occour in my life that gets me down, but sometimes those times just seem to stick around longer than the good times. i also feel really alone, and always have.

i was talking to another colleague yesterday about family, and it was really interesting. i have no roots and that bothers me. i start with myself. there is no history before me that i have any knowledge of. being adopted is really a difficult thing at times. especially since i have never had any sort of close relationship or bond with anyone.

sure, i have great friends, and i love them all, but i still don’t have that one person that i can lean on when everything in my life is a topsy turvy mess. i’m not close to my parents in that kind of way and can never imagine myself being so either. i can’t really talk to either of them about anthing really personal, or heck, anything even to do with pop culture. c doesn’t care about what i have to say most of the time, so that just leaves me. sure, i have fantastic friends who i count on, but it’s different when there isn’t anyone else. or at least to me it’s different. i feel sad that i don’t have a history.

my colleague yesterday said i need to have a baby so i can make roots for myself and that would be a good start. maybe she’s right. so often i just feel so lost and different that everyone around me. i don’t know where i come from, what is in my past or what lies before me in the future, especially medically speaking. i’ve tried to search for my biological family, but the state has my records sealed and my mom is not the most supportive. when i tell her i want to look, she tells me that i don’t love her anymore and that she’s not good enough for me. it’s hopeless to talk to her. plus, if i did want to get my records unsealed, i would have to have both of them and a judge sign my petition. like that will happen.

*sigh*

thankfully, i have an open mind and love new experiences, but i really do wish i knew some other things. maybe that’s why i have the need for people to like me, so i feel that i belong somewhere. but i want people to like me for who i am and not for any other reason. i know i rub some people the wrong way ~and others very much the right way ~ but i do just want to belong somewhere.

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4 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Sally on July 21, 2006 at 8:03 am

    I think B feels very similarly to you about the adoption thing…but he won’t talk to me about it.

    I know that he looked for his bio family when he was in college, but he found his records were sealed and he didn’t get very far, either.

    His (adopted) mom told me something a while back that helped me understand a little of the way he is. He never wants to make a big deal about bdays, and it used to drive me crazy b/c I want to do fun and nice things for him on his bday — parties or cook for him or take him out or get him a golf package gift or something, but he always says “it’s just another day, I don’t wan to do anything”. Well, his mom said she thought it was b/c it reminds him that his real mom didn’t want him. It’s hard for me to understand b/c I don’t have that in common w/ him, and I know how much I love him and how much his mom loves him…but I can see why he feels that way, too, a little.

    I just want him to know that I love him with all my heart (even tho he drives me CRAZY at times), and I am his family now! I would like for him to find out his medical history though, and I’m dying to know his nationality, b/c he has curly blond hair, the bluest eyes you’ve ever seen, and he tans in 2 seconds!! So not fair!

    Anyway, I know it’s hard to get info if you’re records are sealed, but with the internet these days, there are website that you can register on that will put you in a database, so if you’re bio family is also registered, it will match you up. Have you tried those?

    Oh, and your mom needs to just kick back and let you do what you need to do.

  2. Posted by Sally on July 21, 2006 at 8:05 am

    Ok, I didn’t preview my last post before I hit publish, and I see SOOO many typos. I’m sorry, I HATE that — I DO know the difference between your and you’re…I just got too excited and typed too fast!

  3. Posted by October on July 21, 2006 at 11:26 pm

    You belong wherever you want to belong. You have people around you who love you…they are your family, not the woman who gave birth to you. The fact that your adopted parents won’t help you means that if you are to find your birth parents, you’ll hve to find another way. Having a baby would be the worst thing ever for you right now, though. You should have a baby because you want to, not because you feel you have no roots. That’s like getting pregnant to save your marriage. Children are a blessing, and should be treated as such not as personality or relationship fixers. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but I know too many people who have done this, convinced that everything in their life will be perfect as soon as that kid pops out and the one who ends up suffering is the child. Your feelings of ‘separateness’ are what needs to be dealt with now. Spend more time with those who love you and encourage you to do the things you love. Inner peace starts with self-love.

  4. Posted by shell on July 22, 2006 at 12:15 am

    sally ~ that must be tough on b. i can totally relate to all of those things. not knowing my medical history is a big one for me. i know that my folks have done a good job raising me and that they love me tremendously, but i do miss the bond that i don’t have. but the thing is, i know that many biological parents/kids don’t have that bond either, so i’m just in some kind of vortex of sorts.

    october ~ i totally agree with the baby thing. i would never do something like that for my own gain. i think it’s a selfish thing to do and i don’t think it would bring me any closer to that bond i am looking for, either. i do have to work on the self love as i am lacking in that area. i do try to see my friends who i love so dear, but unfortunately, they all live so far away….but i’m trying!!

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