hate

I seriously hate my husband.  Oh yes, I said it.  I have tried and tried not to, but I just can’t shake the feeling.  And I’m pretty sure he hates me, too.  Well, maybe hate is an incredible harsh word, so I’ll go with STRONGLY dislike.  sigh.  I’m so over it, it’s not even funny.  I have tried so hard these past few weeks and all I get is a slap in the face.  A word and action slap, not the actual thing.  No physical abuse, I promise.  But mental?  Yeah, there’s mental.  And no, I’m not being dramatic.  And no, I’m not watching Oprah or being too sensitive, as he likes to tell me I’m being.  And for the record, I can’t stand Oprah and I rarely have the TV on these days.  But I digress.  These past few weeks have been utterly exhausting for me and it’s worse since I never have any help.  I love Baby dearly and have never, ever looked at her and had any bad thoughts.  The love is just too strong and too amazing.  But, that doesn’t take away from all the work and exhaustion.  I just want a small reprieve, but evidently, that is too much to ask.  Hubby is a complete and utter asshole.  Sadly, he finds joy in this.  He is proud to be an ass.  I HATE how he was raised to be a selfish jerk.  No one has ever told him no and even now, he always gets his way.  Oh, I stand up for myself all right, but it usually does no good.  I can talk to him until I am blue in the face, but he always has some dumb comeback that makes me give up.  No matter what I do, he calls me something unacceptable.  Today, for example, he called me a whiny, leaky vagina.  Yes, he did.  And for NO reason.  Oh, wait.  I told him I wanted to leave for an hour or so and get a pedicure.  Yep.  Sorry, I wanted an hour to myself.  He loves to throw in my face that if I want to have a break, then I need to get a full time job and he will stay at home.  WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?  He can’t even handle being with Baby for more than a few minutes by himself.  In the 7 1/2 months since she has been born, I have left her with him only twice for a few hours so I could get my hair done and he FREAKED OUT.  He claims he watches her all the time.  Um…staying home while she is ASLEEP in her crib so I can go to a one hour meeting once a week hardly counts as watching her.  And now his big thing is calling me a raving bitch because I am mean when he comes home from work and expect him to help around the house.  What???  All I want is for him to hang out with Baby for a few minutes so I can do the dishes or something.  I have tried so hard with him.  I just don’t know what to do anymore.  Whenever I talk to him about this being a partnership, he has to go into this whole tirade of me feeling sorry for myself.  Yesterday we got into a huge fight before he went to work and I said I would try to work on being nicer if he would.  He said he wanted to have a family day today, so I had to cancel on seeing WendyB in the City.  Family day…..riiiiight.  So he gets up and goes hunting, which was fine and part of the deal.  He got a bird, which was great.  But, he took forever to shower and get ready, making us almost late for an Easter Egg hunt.  Then, instead of hanging out and having a picnic, he decided we needed to go home.  um…what?  Yeah.  Suddenly he was tired.  Whatever.  Baby was, too, so we took a nap.  Oh, and by we, I mean me and Baby.  Hubby decided he needed to work in the garden and go to the hardware store.  Fucker.  So after we nap, we go outside and he is a total dick.  Now what is he doing?  Oh, yeah.  HE’S WATCHING TV.  I am beyond pissed.  And he has made plans to go running with a friend AND to go out tonight.  I HATE HIM.  I am seriously about to flip out.  I need to leave the house.  I guess Baby and I will go on another adventure by ourselves again because there is no way I am leaving her here with him.  I don’t need to get 500 phone calls and texts about how awful I am for leaving her.  FUCK.