good bye 2008.

As is natural this time of year, it has been a time of reflection for me.  But this year I feel like I have reflected a lot more than I have in the past.  I really think that this is the year that I finally grew up.  So much has changed and I feel like such a different person.  Not bad different, not good different, but grown up different.  I don’t really k now how to explain that, but it just feels like so many of my perspectives have changed and my life has taken a totally different direction that I ever thought it would.

I’ve learned to slow down and breathe more.  Well, sort of.  I definitely think before doing things.  I used to pester people with calls, texts and emails until I got a hold of them.  I felt like people didn’t like me or I had done something wrong if they didn’t get back to me straight away.  I finally realized how annoying that was and figured out that people would get back to me in their own time.  What a freaking pest I must have been!  Sure, if I really need to get a hold of someone and it’s quite important, I will try once or twice, but I defintiely don’t pester anyone anymore.  I also realize now that people have their own thing going on and most of the time it has nothing to do with me.  Yeah, my ego took a hit on realizing that.  And imagine how nice it feels now when people call, text or email me back because they want to and not because I have harassed them into it.

I have stopped trying to impress people.  Well, for the most part.  I think that I will always inherently want to impress people to some extent, but it won’t be the same as it has been.  I’m much more secure with myself now and don’t feel the need to prove myself to anyone else.  If people don’t like me for who I am and respect me for what I have done, then screw them.  I don’t need them.  And while I have never been one to keep up with the Joneses, now I really just feel sorry for people who have the need to do so.  My life has much more purpose to it than trying to keep up with someone else’s life.  And most of the time the life you are trying to keep up with isn’t all that it seems, either.

I’ve also weeded out some of the bad, annoying and otherwise negative people in my life.  I am now strong enough to realize I don’t need them and they do nothing for me.  Sure, there are a few of them who I can’t avoid, like my mother, but I can lessen the amount that I see and talk to them.  And I’m not saying that everyone around me needs to be a shiny, happy person, they just need to be normal and functioning and not drain the life out of me every time I talk to them. Life is too short to be pissy all the time so I choose not to deal with perpetually pissy people anymore.

I know that I married a man that drives me nuts but also warms my heart.  And while I wish he had more patience, was less selfish and was a lot more quiet around the house, I know he is a good guy and does mean well.  Slowly but surely he is learning what it means to be a father.  And I honestly think by learning to be a good father, he will learn to be an even better husband.  I have gotten quite the voice this past year and I’m not afraid to use it, especially with him.  Not that I ever let him walk over me, but I used to walk away.  Now I dish it right back.  I don’t take his crap like I used to.

Lastly, I now know my purpose in life is to be the best mother I can to Baby.  Never have I felt such love for a creature on earth.  The fact that she needs me unconditionally is amazing.  She needs me just as much as I need her.  It’s me and her against the world.  She is the only person in the whole world who I know who is biologically related to me and I cannot even describe how that feels.  Have been alone for so long, constantly longing for someone, anyone to be related to me, I finally have what I have always yearned for.  And having it be a child of my very own is no small miracle, either, for which I am truly blessed.

Much more has happened and been realized this year, indeed, but I don’t need to bore you with further details.  May you have a joyous new year!