update.

So, I feel like I have kept all of you hanging.  Or maybe I haven’t.  I really don’t know.  Things have gotten better.  A little.  Yes, a little better.  I still do not have access to house finances.  At all.  On one hand, that is good.  Now hubby will see exactly how much life costs.  And he will also see just how much I do every day.  But, it’s not something that will come easily.  He will not admit his part in any of this, which is beyond frustrating.  Thankfully, he has a few good men (heh) in his life that have talked him down a bit and MADE him realized that he DOES have a part in all of this.

We went to the grocery store together last weekend and that was a bit of an eye opener for him.  I had told him it normally costs me between $120 and $150 a week and he said he could do it for under $100.  Well, our total for the weekly shopping with no “extras” was $225.  We have also received a few rouge bills, so he now sees that things come that are not part of the montly budget.  But don’t think that means he has been any nicer to me.  Oh, no.

I have suggested that we go to counseling, to which he said “we can’t afford that.”  Well, I’m pretty sure our insurance will cover it, so I’m going to start checking that option out.  Also?  He thinks I am going to contribue my Avon earnings to the house.  Um…NO.  No, I am most certainly not going to be doing that.

But now my little precious bunny is sick.  She came down with quite the fever yesterday and has been out of sorts ever since.  It’s her first fever so I took her to the doctor as it was a whopping 102!  Yikes.  She has no other symptoms, so teething and the flu have been ruled out.  So for now, we’re just hanging out and having motrin every 6 hours.  I feel so sad for her.

devastation.

life is beyond unbelievable right now.  i am devastated like i have never been.  my heart is broken.  i am a wreck.  i don’t know what my next step is, what the next day will bring.

i have failed.

i lied.  was deceitful.  dishonest.  i did what i had to do.

no matter how many financial conversations i had with hubby, nothing seemed to phase him.  he constantly thought i was just spending out of control on everything under the sun.

i finally fessed up the other day on how much was owed on the credit card.  he thought the balance was zero.  the balance was really $12,700.  i finally told him the truth that i had been using it to cover what i could not with what was in the checking account.  i could not have imagined how bad things would be.

he has since taken complete financial control.  and by that, i mean i have nothing, not even a debit card.  i do not have  checks.  i do not have cash.  i do not have a credit card. i have to cancel my much needed much anticipated hair appointment next week because i have zero money and he hasn’t decided when he will start giving me an allowance.

i will be given a $100 biweekly allowance to pay for my needs, including my gas.

and now he is expecting me to make amends to him.  he says that i have stolen from the family and that he does not care what i spent the money on, that it was stealing.  he says that i have to make amends to Baby, for what i spent could have paid for a two years of private elementary school.  sure, there were a few trips to starbucks or the random lunch out, but the rest was groceries, the balance due at the dentist for my root control, diapers, that sort of thing.  yes, the balance was  a lot.  but you know what?  he paid of the card with money FROM OUR SAVINGS.  AND THERE STILL IS SAVINGS LEFT.  and really?  a lot of that savings came from me.  i have only been out of work since Baby was born.  before that, 75% of my salary went into savings.  and the first two years of our marriage i supported us while he was in school getting his mba.  and did i ever mention that he makes 100k a year?  no.  i know i never have because money is not a big deal to me.  i don’t care about money.  i don’t care about status.  i care about being happy.  and having money does not equate having happiness.  in fact, most of the people who i know that have money, are not happy.

but now since i no longer have access to money, he will have to do everything i normally do, including the dry cleaning, the grocery shopping and getting the cars serviced.  he will just have to figure out how to do everything on his weekend.

this should be interesting.

but in the meantime, i am devastated. and thank god for baby because she is the only thing keeping me going these days.

and have started selling avon.  yes, i am now the avon lady.  please buy from me.  it is the only way i will get money.  avon lady calling…….

perspectives.

With all of the stuff I have been dealing with lately, I have recently lost sight of how good I really do have it.  Sure, I am having a rough time with hubby these days, but I know it could be much, much worse. I know that I am not a doormat and I do stand up for myself.  The other day we even had a come to Jesus talk of sorts and he is definitely working on himself.  I know we have a ways to go, but for now, I am feeling hopeful.  I am still going to seek out the help of a marriage counselor as I think it would be best to have an unbiased third party help us through our rough time.  But, I also feel that marriage, like any relationship, takes work.  Granted, it should not always take work, but it it was too easy, I might think there was something wrong.  I know a couple who has never has a disagreement and that just seems all too odd to me.  But, there has been some improvement already. Just yesterday, as we were heading out the door to a graduation ceremony, I went to the fridge to get something to drink and knocked over a container of juice that hubby had just made and it spilled EVERYWHERE.  And by that I mean under the fridge, in the fridge, on the wall….but I was SO proud of hubby.  He did not get mad or raise his voice.  He took Baby from my arms and started helping me clean up.  I was seriously waiting for an explosion from him, but it never happened.  We moved the fridge and mopped the floor, cleaned the wall and he still maintained his cool.  And we were running late.  It was good.  In the car I told him I was glad he was so helpful.  He said he had been working on himself after our talk the other day.  Hey, baby steps.  That’s all I ask for.

Anyhow, I digress.

I live in a beautiful area in a darn cute little home.  Though we rent, we are saving money to one day buy a home.  The climate here is great most of the time.  We never have ice, sleet or snow.  We do get frost and cold, but even that doesn’t last too long.  And even though we are in the middle of a heat wave, the fog rolls in by the end of the day and cools everything down again.  We also have access to several pools to cool off at during the hot days.  And if we go to hubby’s granny’s house, she always has treats for us to munch on.

I drive a nice car that needs no more service than the regular oil change.  And while we purchased my car used, no one would be any the wiser just by looking at it. Perhaps I paid my dues by driving a Saturn for 8 years without any power steering, windows or doors and now I get to drive in my luxurious Volvo cross country.  Hey, a girl can brag a bit on her own blog.  Don’t judge!!

I have an extreemly solid group of friends.  So while I may not always have the best family support, I know I can always count on my friends.  And even though most of them live anywhere but where I do, I am still so close to them all.  Thank god for email and the phone.  Though, since they are good friends, they know I prefer email, Facebook, text and instant messages WAY more than the dreaded phone.

On those rare occasions that we go out for a ‘nice’ dinner it is to a place with cloth napkins and table cloths and great ambiance.  I was reading a website that I frequent earlier and so many of the posters were saying that a ‘nice’ place to them was Applebees or Red Lobster.  I am by no means trying to sound snotty, but I am glad that I know what a nice place really is.  And I am glad that I know how to act at a place like that.  In fact, we went to one the other day for a cousin’s birthday and it was such a treat because I hadn’t been out to a ‘nice’ place since…well…since Baby was born!

I have an AWESOME baby and I love being a mother, something I had no idea that I would like.  Motherhood has come very easy to me and so far, I haven’t had any complaints.  Sure, hubby doesn’t help all that much, but Baby is wonderful and even when she fusses and gets cranky, I don’t mind.  That’s all part of the deal.  And I feel stronger for being able to do everything myself.  It makes me sad when people need so much help and when motherhood is hard for them.  I am totally lucky in that regard.

all i wanted.

The only thing I wanted for today was hubby to be unconditionally nice to me.  That’s it.  And evidently, even that was too much to ask for.  Yes, he did get up with Baby without so much as a complaint, but that was about all he did.  Oh, he did give me two cards from her, yet he spelled her name wrong.  Seriously.  How does he not know how to spell her name?  sigh.  We then got up and went to the local fire department for a pancake breakfast.  Sounds nice and delightful, doesn’t it?  Well, sure, if he would have paid and would have served me.  Instead, it was the other way around.  Sure, I could have said something, but that’s not really the point.  I guess the coup de grace is that he had me get HIS mother a $60 gift and he got me nothing.  That’s what hurt the most.  And he got her a very kind, sentimental card.  I am beyond hurt.  Yes, I realize I am not his mother, but for God’s sake.  It’s my very first Mother’s Day.  He could have done something nice.  And really, if he was just kind to me, that would have been more than enough.

Words cut deeper than anything.  Who ever said “stick and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” never met Hubby.  Seriously.  The other day we were arguing over finances and he said “then divorce me and I will fight for FULL custody over Baby.”  WTF.  I still can’t shake that.  I mean, really.  I don’t fight like that.  I am so miserable.  I love Baby more than anything in the entire world.  She is the absolute light of my life and I cannot imagine life without her.  She is darling and sweet and special and spunky.  For him to even threaten that, well, I don’t know how to handle that.  I do realize we were fighting and those were fighting words, but that is no excuse.  I will not forgive, nor will I forget, that he ever said that.  Sure, we talked about it later and I told him he is never allowed to say that again, but hell, if he said it once, what is going to stop him from saying that again?  I have no idea what possesses him to think that way.

I know that there are a lot of positive things in my life so I don’t want to dwell on the negative.  But this has got to stop.  Besides.  I have to start getting ready to spend the day with his family.  wonderful.

update time.

yup.  It’s time for another update.  I was feeling too stagnate and out of sorts.  Crap.  My battery is about to die.  Will write tomorrow.

thursday thirteen.

I haven’t written one of these in forever and thought it would be a good way to ease back into the world of writing.

Thirteen Things that make me smile

1.  Baby!!!

2.  my awesome girlfriends

3.  my awesome guy friends

4.  the sunny weather that has finally appeared.  again.

5.  my crazy cats

6.  a new US Weekly in my mailbox, a day early

7.  a card in my mailbox from a friend

8.  having snarky conversations with friends

9.  seeing my words published

10.  getting a check in the mail from ebates

11.  getting back in touch with friends from long ago

12.  the smell of a new book

13.  sand between my toes

ugh.

my stomach hurts in a mixture of nerves and hunger.  Nerves because my parents are on their way up to visit.  And hunger because I haven’t eaten much today because of the nerves.  It’s a never ending battle for me, I guess.  I feel sort of nauseous, and it’s rather annoying.  I haven’t seen my mother since Baby was born and I don’t really know what I am feeling right now.  Part of me is glad that she is coming to visit, but the other part is anxious about the way she will act and how much I can handle.  Luckily, they are not staying with us, but they will be only a mile or so away.  Hubby will be hunting for most of their visit, so it will be just me entertaining them.  And Sunday I’m hosting brunch.  I hope I survive it all……

hate

I seriously hate my husband.  Oh yes, I said it.  I have tried and tried not to, but I just can’t shake the feeling.  And I’m pretty sure he hates me, too.  Well, maybe hate is an incredible harsh word, so I’ll go with STRONGLY dislike.  sigh.  I’m so over it, it’s not even funny.  I have tried so hard these past few weeks and all I get is a slap in the face.  A word and action slap, not the actual thing.  No physical abuse, I promise.  But mental?  Yeah, there’s mental.  And no, I’m not being dramatic.  And no, I’m not watching Oprah or being too sensitive, as he likes to tell me I’m being.  And for the record, I can’t stand Oprah and I rarely have the TV on these days.  But I digress.  These past few weeks have been utterly exhausting for me and it’s worse since I never have any help.  I love Baby dearly and have never, ever looked at her and had any bad thoughts.  The love is just too strong and too amazing.  But, that doesn’t take away from all the work and exhaustion.  I just want a small reprieve, but evidently, that is too much to ask.  Hubby is a complete and utter asshole.  Sadly, he finds joy in this.  He is proud to be an ass.  I HATE how he was raised to be a selfish jerk.  No one has ever told him no and even now, he always gets his way.  Oh, I stand up for myself all right, but it usually does no good.  I can talk to him until I am blue in the face, but he always has some dumb comeback that makes me give up.  No matter what I do, he calls me something unacceptable.  Today, for example, he called me a whiny, leaky vagina.  Yes, he did.  And for NO reason.  Oh, wait.  I told him I wanted to leave for an hour or so and get a pedicure.  Yep.  Sorry, I wanted an hour to myself.  He loves to throw in my face that if I want to have a break, then I need to get a full time job and he will stay at home.  WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?  He can’t even handle being with Baby for more than a few minutes by himself.  In the 7 1/2 months since she has been born, I have left her with him only twice for a few hours so I could get my hair done and he FREAKED OUT.  He claims he watches her all the time.  Um…staying home while she is ASLEEP in her crib so I can go to a one hour meeting once a week hardly counts as watching her.  And now his big thing is calling me a raving bitch because I am mean when he comes home from work and expect him to help around the house.  What???  All I want is for him to hang out with Baby for a few minutes so I can do the dishes or something.  I have tried so hard with him.  I just don’t know what to do anymore.  Whenever I talk to him about this being a partnership, he has to go into this whole tirade of me feeling sorry for myself.  Yesterday we got into a huge fight before he went to work and I said I would try to work on being nicer if he would.  He said he wanted to have a family day today, so I had to cancel on seeing WendyB in the City.  Family day…..riiiiight.  So he gets up and goes hunting, which was fine and part of the deal.  He got a bird, which was great.  But, he took forever to shower and get ready, making us almost late for an Easter Egg hunt.  Then, instead of hanging out and having a picnic, he decided we needed to go home.  um…what?  Yeah.  Suddenly he was tired.  Whatever.  Baby was, too, so we took a nap.  Oh, and by we, I mean me and Baby.  Hubby decided he needed to work in the garden and go to the hardware store.  Fucker.  So after we nap, we go outside and he is a total dick.  Now what is he doing?  Oh, yeah.  HE’S WATCHING TV.  I am beyond pissed.  And he has made plans to go running with a friend AND to go out tonight.  I HATE HIM.  I am seriously about to flip out.  I need to leave the house.  I guess Baby and I will go on another adventure by ourselves again because there is no way I am leaving her here with him.  I don’t need to get 500 phone calls and texts about how awful I am for leaving her.  FUCK.

rantish.

It seems as thought I only write when I have something on my mind, and lately, I have been so tired and so irritated.  Tired, because Baby has been teething FOREVER.  Like, at least 3 weeks.  and yes, that is forever.  And for much of that, she’s barely been sleeping at night.  So often I have to get up every stinkin’ hour with her.  sigh.  Some nights she’ll have a few good blocks of 2-3 hours at a time, but that’s rare these days.  Luckily, though, she’s still a pretty happy baby.  Most of the time she takes a few 1 hour naps during the day, but it’s rare that I get to nap then as well, though I do try.  But because of my tiredness, I often hit a wall much quicker than normal and the irritating part is that I don’t have the help that I should.  Yes, I have rockstar friends that have offered to help, but family help?  That’s a big fat NOPE.  My mil helps only when it is convenient to her, which is pretty much never.  Sure, she comes over on Friday evenings so Hubby and I can go to a meeting together, but anytime other than that?  Well, see now, she’s got a pedicure.  Or a hair appointment.  Or lunch with someone.  Or she has to bake her dog cookies.  Seriously.  Those are all the excuses she has given me for not being able to come over and watch Baby for an hour or so in the afternoon so I can rest or go to the dentist.  And hubby?  Yeah.  He’s pretty much the same way.  Yes, I realize he works full time.  I get that.  But would it really kill him to spend some quality time with Baby so I can have a break?  Evidently it would.  And evidently it’s too much to ask for him to come check out something new and cute Baby is doing as he is getting ready to go to work, or eating dinner, or reading the paper or whatever else he is doing.  sigh.  And the coup de gras this morning was when he took down the one baby gate I put up to keep Baby out of the kitchen.  yeah.  Evidently it was just too much to ask for him to STEP OVER IT like he does every other time the gate is up.  right.  Did I mention it is a small gate?  Like, maybe just up to his knees?????  sigh.

Once again, thank god for my friends.  A few girlfriends have offered to watch Baby so I can rest this week and I am so excited at the thought.  The fact that they offered makes me so happy.  They get it.  They know no one can do it all alone.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love Baby more that I could have EVER imagined.  But sometimes I need some time to think straight.  I don’t even need to go anywhere, just not have to pay attention to anything for a little bit.  Tomorrow I have to go to the dentist again, this time to get a root canal.  Yay, me.  One of my girlfriends is going to watch Baby so I can go.  Maybe I can take a nap while I get my tooth fixed.  Heh.

In a few weeks I’m hosting Easter Brunch.  That should be interesting.  I’m not a big fan of meals at my in-laws as my mil usually ends up drunk and that’s just awkward and annoying because NO ONE ADDRESSES THE ISSUE.  And i cannot stand drunk people around Baby.  Anyhow, I decided to host this year as to avoid the drunken fiasco.  Hopefully.  Now I just need to figure out what to make.  Mil offered to bring something, but she really makes crappy food, so I think I will decline her offer.  Besides.  I made brunch last year and it was a great success.  And this year….wait for this…my parents have decided to come.  Yep.  My mother is finally going to see the baby again.  I’m hoping for great weather so we can have brunch outside as it will be a bit close for comfort if we have to do it all inside.  But, we’ve done that before so  I guess we’ll manage.  Thankfully, though, my folks have decided to stay somewhere else other than our house.  Thank the Jesus baby for that.  They FINALLY realize that a 900 sq ft house has no room for company to spend the night.

Okay, so enough of this rant.  It’s a beautiful day today and I’m meeting a few girlfriends I used to work with for breakfast.  yay.  I LOOOOVE breakfast.

finally. some fodder.

So because I do not want this to turn into a mommy blog, I have been away for a while.  Oh, yeah, and that dirty slut, facebook, has once again stolen too much of my time.  But, since I just got off the phone with my mother, I do have some things to share.  Here is a breakdown of my most recent conversation:

My mother thinks I need to have another child.  Soon.  She believes that I no longer need to think of myself, but about my child and that she needs a sibling.  Um…what?  I don’t really understand that logic.  I’m an only child.  Is she saying that I’m screwed up because I didn’t have a sibling?  And it is about me, too.  When I reminded her how traumatic the birth was, that my placenta detached from my uterus, she said “well, isn’t that supposed to happen?”  um, no.  no it’s not.  thus the emergency c-section.  She is convinced that happened because my labor went “too long”.  Um, no.  That’s not the reason at all.  sigh.  She is convinced I am being selfish for wanting only one child.  Really?  Selfish?  For thinking of my well being as well?  hmm…strange that I find logic in that.

I told her I was wearing the baby and she made fun of me, saying I was trying to be like an Indian who carried their baby in a papoose.  Well, yes, I was carring my baby, but it’s good for the baby and it’s comfortable for me.  I’m not trying to impress anyone by doing that.

She told me I didn’t need to breast feed any more, that 6 months (Baby is almost 7 months) is more than enough time.  Well, I plan on breast feeding for at least a year, maybe longer.  It’s the best thing for Baby and I’m not about to give her formula unless I absolutely have to.

Oh, and the best part was when she asked me if she could get rid of my wedding dress.  WTF?  She said she is cleaning out the closets in the house and it’s in the way.  Um…what?  First of all, their house is huge.  Second of all, my dress is in a box and in a closet in a room that is never used.  One of my friends and my cousin have already said they will rescue my dress for me.  Seriously.  She is ridiculous!  The only reason my dress is at her house is because my house is really small and we don’t have the storage space and I really don’t want to keep it in the garage.  But, I may just have someone rescue it so she doesn’t get rid of it, which is something she is VERY capable of doing.

I am surprisingly not wound up by her right now.  Could be my lack of sleep, or the fact that I am finally at the point that I can disregard the things she says and just shake my head at her.